FIRE!

I’m going to start tonight by placing blame, because it’s never my fault. Really, I swear. OK, maybe sometimes, but not tonight. I’ll spread it around a bit, just to be fair. Actually, now that I think about it, it could be partially my fault. I had some time this evening while waiting for the alfalfa to pick up a dew so I can finish baling third cutting. Lord knows I have countless projects that need done, but I decided to do a little canning instead. So, on to the blame game.

First is Big Al. She’s got a new kitchen, she’s always posting amazing food she’s prepared, and to be honest, it gives me a serious case of culinary envy. Last time I envied her I ended up drunk, playing the piano, and singing to the dog. It wasn’t that bad this time.

Second is Marci. She’s canned enough amazing treats to survive at least two zombie apocalypses. It looks so easy. What could possibly go wrong.

Next is my lovely bride. She didn’t actually do anything to deserve this except love jalapeno jelly. I’m looking at my little jalapeno plant yesterday and I thought it would be nice to make her some, just because I kind of like her.

Finally, and the true culprit, would be Laurel. I didn’t have enough peppers to make a batch so I asked her to stop by the farmer’s market and pick some up. And this, my friends, is where the story takes the turn.

She got the prettiest little jalapenos, but that’s not all. I think the veggie stand must have had some trouble moving one of the other varieties today, so Laurel came home with a half dozen ‘Infernos’. I do believe that they might be the most appropriately named peppers on the market.

I couldn’t waste them though. I could actually feel myself channeling my grandmother. Don’t waste anything, use everything but the moo. So, I chopped them up and threw them in. I’m a slow learner, most of you know that. My fingers started tingling a little when I cut them up. It made me sneeze, which made me wipe my nose, which made my eyes water, which started a kind of fiery domino affect. I put all the ground up peppers in some cider vinegar and put them to boiling. That released a pungent, noxious vapor that rapidly filled the kitchen much faster that the vent could remove it. The combination of the toxic vapor and constant rubbing of my eyes made me temporarily blind, but I got it strained, jellied, sugared and canned, purely from self preservation. I was sure if I didn’t get it in jars, it was going to kill me.

I did have a little left over to taste, but I can’t taste anything quite yet. Hopefully tomorrow. My beautiful bride tried it with cream cheese and crackers and in her eternal optimism said, “It might mellow.”

One final note. If anyone knows the recipe people, I did notice right when I finished, trying to read the last of the directions through squinty, bloodshot eyes, in microscopic print, it said, “WEAR RUBBER GLOVES.” I feel that tidbit of information could be in much larger print and maybe at the top of the directions.